The Eternity Between
by Casteline
Summary: Dean Winchester was terrified of flying. Castiel was just as scared of falling. Destiel. Hints of Sabriel.


Written for __ on tumblr.

This has actually been running around in my head for a few days, as a sequelish to a Sam/Gabriel piece I'm still working on. This is a standalone, just know that there will be a Sam/Gabriel prequel going up in a few days.

* * *

**The Eternity Between**

Dean Winchester was terrified of flying. Castiel was just as scared of falling. There wasn't a middle ground, no place in between where they could meet. There was only an eternity of space between them that neither was sure how to cross.

_(The Eternity Between)_

Castiel, Angel of the Lord, was dead. It was a while before that fact really sunk in. Dead. Dead.

Dead.

It seemed impossible. Impossible because angels didn't die, they weren't supposed to die. But Dean knew that was a load of shit, because he's killed a few himself. But his angel wasn't supposed to die. Maybe that was why it took so long to sink in, because Cas had died a few times already, and had somehow always come back. Dean had hoped that this time would be no different. More than that, he had expected it.

When Cas didn't return immediately, Dean tried not to think too much of it. He was probably busy with things upstairs with angel business. Maybe he was being punished for the whole purgatory ordeal. Dean hoped they weren't being too hard on him.

He tired calling for him a few times, when things got a little rough. He worried a little, when the angel didn't come, but it wasn't as though he always answered when Dean called, so he brushed it off.

It wasn't until Bobby was lying on his death bed that Dean knew. In between the begging bobby to wake up, and the screaming at anyone who so much as looked at him funny, and punching things, he screamed for Cas. And when Cas never showed up, never even sent a sign that he was listening, that was when he knew. Even though he sometimes ignored his calls, he always came when it really mattered, when Dean really needed him. And Dean really fucking needed him.

But Cas never came.

And Dean knew.

_(The Eternity Between)_

He never said anything, but when the Trickster – _Gabriel _showed up again, Dean couldn't help but be a little pissed. How was it fair that he got to live, and Cas didn't?

He wanted to tell the archangel to stuff it and stay the hell away from them, but Sammy seemed happier with him around, so Dean just grumbled and put up with the candy wrappers on the floor, and ice cream stains on the seat. It wasn't like it was his baby anyway. Then he would care. But it wasn't, so he didn't.

He had a hard time really caring about anything.

Sam tried to talk to him sometimes, but Dean didn't talk about his feelings and eventually, the younger just gave up.

More and more often they find themselves splitting up on cases. Dean goes one way, while Sammy and the Trickster go the other. Dean can really only handle so much of Gabriel, and Sam is the only one who has any kind of control over him. Besides, he's rather be alone than with them every waking moment.

He was alone in the middle of town when he saw it. Blue eyes and scruffy hair and a tan trench coat.

"Cas!" he called out over the crowd. The man doesn't turn. "CAS!" he shouted, half running after him.

Then Cas stopped and turned.

It wasn't Cas.

Dean stopped, as Not-Cas greeted the woman who was probably his wife or girlfriend with a kiss. He wasn't Cas at all. He had been so sure.

_(The Eternity Between)_

It happened thrice more. He thought he saw Cas, only to be disappointed by someone disappointingly human. And a dozen more times he saw the angel, but a moment later he was gone, just an illusion in Dean's mind.

Sam could always tell when Dean is in a bad mood, but he never knew why. He chalked it up to their shitty situation. He never asked because he knew Dean wouldn't answer, and would probably just get more angry at the world.

The hundredth time Dean saw Cas in the streets, he hardly batted an eye. He was almost accustomed to it then, seeing him everywhere. He would no doubt be gone when Dean turned around, as he always was.

But that time was different. That time it was him. Dean got a good look at him; blue eyes, dark hair, crooked tie, and he held himself like someone who wasn't entirely comfortable in his skin. And he saw his face. Cas' face. Completely and totally Cas. Even the look on his face, the look of utter confusion at the human race, was Cas.

"Cas!" he cried out, running toward him. He wasn't far away. The angel didn't move. "Cas!" It wasn't until Dean was right next to him that the angel turned to face him. "Cas," he said again.

"Hello," Cas said, clearly confused.

"Cas, are you okay?" Dean asked.

"I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else," the angel said.

"You're not Cas?" Dean asked. "You're not Castiel? Jimmy?"

"I am Castiel," the angel nodded. "How did you know that?"

"It's me, Dean," he said. "Come on, man, don't pull my leg, it's not funny."

"I assure you, I have not touched your leg."

Dean gaped at him. "Seriously? You're telling me you have no idea who I am?"

The angel shook his head.

"Dean," he said. "Dean Winchester. You rescued me from Hell. And Sammy. You must remember Sam, he's about this tall." He held his hand over his head, exaggerating his brother's height only slightly. "We defeated Lucifer together. How can you not remember that?"

"I'm sorry," the angel said, shaking his head. "I do not know you or your friend. If you'll excuse me, I have somewhere to go."

"Cas-" Dean tried, but he was gone.

_(The Eternity Between)_

When Dean returned to the motel, Sam was on his laptop and Gabriel was rolling around on the floor, wearing next to nothing. This usually prompted Dean to scream obscenities and run from the room, but he didn't even seem to notice. Gabriel was sourly disappointed by this, and sent Sammy a look that said as much.

"Dean?" Sam questioned worriedly. Something was very, _very_ wrong. Dean shook his head. "Dean, what is it?"

"He's alive," his brother choked out. "Cas is alive and he doesn't remember me. Us," he quickly amended. "He doesn't remember us."

"What?" Sam exclaimed, and even Gabriel sat up, showing some interest.

"I saw him in town on my way back from the sheriff's office. He's Cas, and he's alive, but he has no idea who we are."

Sam looked to Gabriel. He had no idea what to say. Dean stared blankly at the wall for a moment, empty.

"I'm going for a drive," he said, turning to walk back out the door.

The moment the door closed, Sam rounded on Gabriel, a slightly accusatory look on his face.

"Don't look at me like that, I had nothing to do with this!"

"No, but you know something," Sam said.

"I might have an idea," Gabriel said. Before Sam could question him further, he jumped up. "I have to go somewhere!" Then he snapped his fingers.

"Pants!" Sam exclaimed, hoping he wouldn't have to bail him out of jail halfway across the country for indecent exposure again.

_(The Eternity Between)_

"Cas," Gabriel called out when he reached his destination. A long dock on a huge lake. All around are trees, and there's a little abandoned cottage in a small clearing.

"Gabriel," he said, clearly surprised by his presence. He turned his attention back to the water. "I heard rumor you were dead."

"Didn't stick," Gabriel shrugged.

"You are the second person today to call me _Cas_," he said.

"Who was the first?"

"A man called Dean Winchester," Castiel said. "I've heard whispers of the name in Heaven, but I do not know him. Yet he claims to know me. He knows my name and he knows the name of my vessel. He also spoke of Lucifer."

"You really don't know who he is?" Gabriel asked.

"I don't know. I've heard his voice before, praying to me." Castiel turned to him. "People don't pray to me, Gabriel. They pray to you, and Michael, and Father, and others, but not to me. No one prays to me. Why does he?"

"Because you're the only one that matters to him," Gabriel replied.

"But why? How does he even know who I am, when I have no knowledge of him? Why does he pray to me, beg me to help him? Why does he call me _Cas_ like that is my name, and why does it feel like home?"

Gabriel sighed. "Probably because it is. _He _is." He held up a hand, his fingers poised in a snap. "You're probably gonna hate me for this, but-" He snapped.

_(The Eternity Between)_

"Dean," a voice interrupted his thoughts. He nearly jumped out of his seat, and he lost control of the car for a moment.

"I really hate it when you do that." It's a lie. "What are you doing here?" he asked, returning his eyes to the road.

"I remember," Cas said simply.

"You-" Dean turned to him. "Really? How?"

"Gabriel," he said.

"Oh." He nodded, pretending that it made perfect sense. In reality, nothing really made sense. "You forgot all about us. Why?"

"I forgot the last four years," Cas said. "From the moment I was assigned as your guardian."

"Why?" he asked again.

"Because it was the only way I could remain in Heaven," he explained. "That was my punishment for my actions, to fall, or to forget." That was a lie. Sort of a lie. A half lie that was easier than the truth.

Dean didn't like the way it sounded, but he supposed it was better than something else the dicks upstairs could have done.

"And now you remember? Is that allowed?"

"It won't last long, I'll begin to forget again soon."

"Isn't that torture? Knowing that you'll forget?"

"Remembering is torture," Cas answers truthfully. "I- I made great mistakes. I am-"

"Don't," Dean stopped him.

"I am sorry," he said.

"I said don't," he said again. He didn't mean for it to sound as angry as it did. Cas flinched. "You don't have to apologize for that." It's been eating at him for months. Yeah, Cas had screwed up. But they'd all made mistakes, and working with Crowley was hardly the worst any of them had done. Swallowing all the souls in purgatory and unleashing the Leviathan was up there, but Dean had long ago forgiven him for that.

"But I feel that I should," Cas said. "I made a mistake. I don't deserve your forgiveness."

"Well too bad, 'cause you've already got it."

"I don't deserve it," he said again.

"Why are you here, Cas? And don't say to apologize."

"I- I don't know," he lied. They're both quiet for a while. Dean had too look over, just to be sure he hadn't flown off without saying goodbye.

"I heard you," Cas said a while later. "Calling for me. Praying to me. I didn't understand at the time, but I heard you."

"I needed you," Dean said quietly.

"I know. I'm sorry I couldn't be there. I'm sorry I couldn't help. It was strange. Hearing someone pray to me. You're the only person who's every done that."

"Really?"

"Very few humans know of my existence. It is strange to hear prayers. Strange, but not unwelcome. It made me feel… less lonely." As an angel, he wasn't supposed to feel, and he certainly wasn't supposed to feel alone. He existed to serve God. Living as part of the collective of angels was supposed to feel content. That was the only sense of emotion they were supposed to feel. Still, he felt constantly alone. He understood now, now that he could remember the missing years.

"You wouldn't be lonely if you came to hang out with us now and then," Dean said, flashing a quick smile.

"I told you, I will not remember."

"Yeah," Dean nodded, blinking several times.

Cas stared at him for a long time, and Dean tried to ignore it by keeping his eyes fixed on the road.

"I could… I could choose to fall," he said. "If you asked me to."

It took Dean a moment to realize what he had said. He shook his head. "That's not a choice for me to make."

"You could ask."

"You know I'd never do that."

"I know," he said. "But you could."

Dean didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything.

"I should go," Cas said, staring out the window. "Goodbye, Dean."

Cas never said 'goodbye' before he left. He only occasionally made it known that he was leaving, but he never said 'goodbye'. Dean had thought he hated that, but no he realized that hearing him say it…

That was worse.

_(The Eternity Between)_

When Dean got back to the motel, Sam is alone, which, on the surface, seemed like a good thing, but Dean immediately recognized _that_ face and knew that it probably meant they were going to have to talk and he really, really, _really_ wasn't in the mood for a chick flick moment.

"No chick flick moments," he demanded.

"Sorry, dude," Sam said, but he clearly wasn't sorry. "Where've you been?"

"Driving," Dean said. This felt like an intervention. He didn't like it.

"Did you talk to Cas?"

"Yep."

He was trying to get through this using as few syllables as possible, wasn't he? Sam supposed it was good that he hadn't run from the room yet.

"He remembered?"

"You obviously know that he did."

"Dean-" he tried.

"He remembered," Dean said harshly. "He remembered because your boyfriend somehow gave him his memories back, but he's going to forget again, if he hasn't already."

"Did you even ask him why he forgot?"

"Of course I did. He said it was his punishment for the who Purgatory incident."

Sam just stared at him for a moment. "And you believed him?"

"What?"

"He lied to you, Dean."

"What are you talking about?"

"You forget that Gabriel is an angel. He knows things. It wasn't because of purgatory, it was his choice."

"Yeah, he said his punishment was either to forget or to fall."

Sam sighed. "You really are that thick, aren't you?"

"Sam, if you don't get to the point soon, I will throw your laptop out the window."

"Angels aren't like humans, Dean! When they fall in love, they don't feel it like we do. It's more of them. It's forever. But the other Angels… they aren't exactly accepting of it. Forgetting wasn't his punishment for purgatory, it was his punishment for loving you."

"That's insane," Dean said, standing up and walking to the door.

"Is it? Come on, Dean! Don't tell me you don't feel anything-"

"Of course I do!" he shouted, rounding on his brother, anger in his eyes.

Sam was a little surprised to hear him say it, but he brushed it off quickly.

"But that doesn't matter," Dean continued. "Because he'd rather forget about me, than leave Heaven. I don't blame him."

"That's a load of bull."

"Yeah, it is," he nodded. "'Cause I'm pretty sure he would have stayed if I'd asked him to."

"Why didn't you?"

"How can I ask him to do something like that, Sammy? To leave everything he's ever know, for _me_?"

"You sell yourself short," Sam said.

"Look at me, Sam, what do I have?"

Gabriel entered the room before Sam had a chance to respond.

"I'm leaving," Dean said, not wanting to deal with this anymore. He'd sleep in the car, where there was no one to nag him.

"If you're thinking of doing something stupid," Gabriel said. "Think about it first. Angels aren't like humans. A fling isn't enough. Before you ask him to fall for you, you better be damn sure that you're willing to be in it for the long haul."

Dean turned to him, his face completely void of a readable emotion.

"I am," he said, walking out the door and slamming it behind him.

Sam gaped. Gabriel gaped. Sam knew, of course, that Dean loved the angel. But hearing him say it, as he did, shocked him to the core.

_(The Eternity Between)_

The truth was, until Gabriel had said that, Dean had every intention of climbing into the car and trying to catch some shut eye. Instead, he drove to the edge of town, right about the place he'd last seen Cas, and spoke to the sky.

He didn't really know what he was going to say, until he was saying it. He hoped the words were enough. He hope Cas could hear him. _His_ Cas, not the Cas who didn't know him, but _his_ Cas. He felt like a fool, but he didn't really care.

In the end, he's begging and screaming at the sky.

Then he's silent, and the sky has nothing to say to him in return.

_(The Eternity Between)_

Six days later, the Winchesters and the Trickster are on the road to Beverly, Massachusetts, and the Trickster disappears.

"Where did he go?" Sam asked, turning to look at the now empty backseat.

Dean shrugged. "With any luck, he'll stay gone a while." Sam glared at him.

A few hours later, as they were settling into the motel, there came a knock at the door. It sounded off, like someone using their foot rather than knuckles.

"Oh, god," Sam said as he pulled the door open. Resting against the Archangel was an unconscious, very bloody Castiel. "Dean!" he called, taking Cas' other side to help carry him in.

Dean's eyes grew wide at the sight. "What happened?" he asked, helping them haul him into the nearest bed.

"The angels weren't too pleased when he decided he would rather lose his wings," Gabriel said, rising to his feet and heading to the door.

"Where are you going?" Sam asked.

"To teach those dicks a lesson," he said. He turned to Dean. "I hope you're worth this," he hissed.

Dean turned back to the bloodied and beaten Angel. "I hope so, too."

"I'm going to run to the store," Sam said after rummaging through the first aid kit. "We don't much of anything."

"Stop it," Cas said a few minutes after Sam left.

"What?" Dean asked, surprised that he was awake. He pulled his hand away from Cas' hair, realizing that it might be causing him discomfort.

"No, you don't have to stop that," Cas half smiled. "Just stop beating yourself up. That's the right phrase, isn't it?"

"You using your angel mojo to read my mind?" Dean asked.

"No more mojo," he replied. Dean's eyes widened. He knew that, of course, but that fact hadn't really hit him yet. "It's not your fault, I chose this."

"I begged you to do it. I shouldn't have. I should have realized this would happen."

"Stop, please," Cas said. "You're worth it."

"No," Dean said softly, shaking his head. "I'm really not."

"You are," Cas said again, closing his eyes.

"Stay with me, Cas," Dean begged.

"I am okay, Dean," he said sleepily. "I am not dying. Just very tired. You will be here when I wake up?"

He was.


End file.
